May this list provide that much more laughter at my dad�s expense. I believe he may just be the human equivalent of Homer Simpson.

Explosives

While cleaning out the garage one day, he happened across his old military toys. Wondering if the flare gun still worked, he aimed it across the street into the wooded area. �Hey Kyle, watch this!� As he pulled the trigger, an earth-shattering explosion rocked the quiet neighborhood. When the next-door neighbor came out to investigate, there was no denying that he had caused the noise: there was a straight line of smoke leading from in front of his body to across the street. He�s now deaf in one ear.

NOTE: There are multiple flare stories. See the �Catching Things on Fire� section below for more details.

Every year it was tradition for us to go with some friends to watch fireworks in their neighborhood. After the main show, we�d eat some picnic dinner and watch Dad light off more fireworks. It never failed that he would have a near-miss and almost blow himself up.

Catching Things on Fire

You read the flare gun story above. That incident set some golf course trees on fire. No major damage was sustained, and charges were never filed.

After supposedly learning his lesson about shooting off a flare gun too close to civilization, he took my brother and a larger flare gun out to the country to see if the parachute still worked. The parachute never deployed, and he caught a small field on fire. Slash and burn methods may still be used, but I�m certain this destruction was not appreciated.

He once caught a big tree in the backyard on fire while burning brush. This story involves a bottle of Crown Royal, but we�ll not mention anything more about that incident.

Every year my parents had to buy a new grill because Dad managed to blow the previous one up. We came to expect the grill�s glass to detonate, a large fire to eat through the grill�s lid, or flames to spontaneously leap from the pit to the surrounding wooden pieces. Two of the three times that the grill was ruined, the damage was done at Kyle�s birthday party.

General Entertainment

He and one of his work buddies routinely �go bowling� at their place of employment. They take a company truck, drive 50 mph, and release a bowling ball to see what kind of damage they can cause. These are your tax dollars at work.

He and the above work buddy once worked out a scheme to break into what was to be Enron Field. Being coverall-wearing men with dirty hands, they planned on entering the stadium under guise of a contractor, making their way to the field, throwing a pitch, and running like hell outta there. The plan was aborted when it was reported that someone made a similar attempt and was now facing jail time. Ignore the jail time -- since the guy had already thrown the unofficial first pitch, the appeal was suddenly gone.

Modes of Transportation

My dad and a neighbor once built scooters. Proud of their po-dunk vehicles, they rode them on the back roads to the next town over. However, once they reached the turn-around point, the scooters came to a sputtering stop. Apparently, no matter how many miles per gallon a scooter may get, when you add a 200+ pound mule of a man to the padded seat, the mileage isn�t quite optimal. He and the neighbor had to walk their trash mobiles back home, cursing the entire way.

My dad once purchased a sailboat from the newspaper. Coincidentally with the same neighbor, they got stuck miles and miles away when the wind suddenly stopped, and they had to row their way back home. More creative cursing ensued, as they were more sailor-like in this pursuit.

He let me drive his car when I was eight. It was a stick shift.

Animals

He once picked up some fox roadkill to dissect it but decided to play a prank on a friend�s wife first. When he approached their house, he sent his buddy in to tell his wife that my dad rescued a fox and wanted to show her. While she was being summoned, my dad was lying on his back with the fox (mind you, all stiff from rigor mortis) on his chest. As soon as Theresa opened the door, Dad started rolling around, screaming obscenities, making fox attack noises, and causing an out-right ruckus. As planned, she flipped the fuck out.

My parents honeymooned in Florida and visited a monkey house. One older monkey pretended like he wanted some of the 25-cent food, only to grab my dad�s hand and take a bite out of him instead. The monkey grinned and my dad had to be held back to keep from kicking some monkey ass.

He taught my mom�s parrot to say, �Bite me!�

He�s left messages on my home answering machine, talking to Hambone since he knew I wasn�t there. And I thought I was the only one who did that to the kitty...

Going to Extremes

My dad once threw away all of the plates and silverware because he was sick of my lazy brother and sister not doing the dishes. (I no longer lived there at the time.) Although Maa has since replaced them, to this day none of the kids (now 15 and 21 years old) are allowed to use anything other than the throwaway items.

He taught me how to spot weld and let me practice on someone else�s house.

After years of not drinking, he took advantage of an open bar at my cousin Tammy�s wedding. After many Cape Cods he danced with a sombrero, excused himself to the bathroom where he spewed and dribbled absolutely nothing on his pressed white shirt, danced like a soul man for a while� at the wrong reception hall, and then returned only to pass out onto his folded arms at the head table. I love seeing pictures from the wedding with him �sleeping� in the background.

Coin Phrases

One day after the fox incident I called Theresa pretending to be a local journalist doing follow-up on a reported fox attack. When I asked her about what happened, she exclaimed, �Kevin Keena is a fucking asshole,� and hung up on me.

After a particular nasty incident where he was beaned in the head on a pitch being returned by my brother�s bat, my dad now wears a hockey goalie�s mask when tossing the ball around. Kyle purchased the mask from a resale shop for $2. When presented with the noggin protection, Dad smugly exclaimed, �$2 well spent...�

This past Halloween he was stopped by a reporter and was the story�s lead quote, �Time is candy lady.� She conveniently left off, �...so get the heck outta my way,� but it�s excusable.

Once my sister was of age where she would go to the beach with her friends, several of our coolers started disappearing. Sick of missing his $20 Coke-holders, he started writing on the tops, �Stolen from the Keenas.� I�m certain that several young people in the area now own coolers with that inscription across the top.

And finally, these are the only rules he asks be followed in his house: �Don�t wake me up, and don�t steal my shit.� �