As part of the craptacular Mayor Daley�s �I�m sorry I tore up your runway in the middle of the night to make room for a new park in memorium of someone who once licked my butthole so now I�m gonna spend money on the arts so I can get elected for the 36th time� plan, this past week has featured recitals from various dance schools.

Holy crap. These kids need a serious case of �sit the hell down� before I start rummaging through the flatware drawer of the office kitchen.

I saw what I can only assume was an interpretational piece by a ten-year-old to some Beauty and the Beast soundtrack bullshit. Her lip synching was at least with the song�s words, but her frolicking certainly wasn�t.

If I was indeed this horrendous in my years of tap dancing, I offer my apologies to my parents and those who had to sit through me cha-cha-ing to The Miami Sound Machine in my hot-pink and teal costume.

I can only hope that my kids are into sports. (And when I say sports, I certainly don�t mean soccer. I�m by no means saying that soccer isn�t a sport -- I�m 100% a fan of boys with soccer butts -- but watching soccer ranks up there with watching golf or bowling. B-O-R-I-N-G!)

As I go through the list of sports in my head, I think I�m reconsidering even having my kids play sports...

Football -- Too dangerous.

Basketball -- Will be all travels and fouls until about middle school.

Swimming -- Wet kids will want to get into my car. (On the other hand, I won�t have to bathe the kids as often if I have them swim... Hmm...)

I then I remember back on my first year of softball. My team played in 116 degree weather, and we only won one game all season long.

Oh my. I�m on my way to the office kitchen just thinking about it. Fortunately I don�t think that plasticware can do much damage... �