I�m not all touchy-feely. This doesn�t mean that I won�t give you a good groping, silly. This means that I�m not gonna be all gushy with you. If you want poetry, love letters, and for your girl to call you Schmoopy, you�re looking in the wrong place.

Appreciate that you�ve got me -- someone who won�t want your every evening, won�t randomly sigh and ask what you�re thinking during a silent moment, and won�t demand that we watch You�ve Got Mail instead of football.

If you give me flowers outside of Valentine�s Day or think that I�d like a giant teddy bear and a box of chocolates, think again. These will get you a punch in the belly because you obviously don�t know me. It�s not to say that I�m going to up and sprout a penis, but I�d rather something well thought out rather than the traditional notions of romance.

One exception: I like sparkly things. Especially ones in size 4.75 and in white gold. However, you�d better be damn certain that I�m not going to go silent and ashen-faced if there is ever a day that you give me something that shines. Moving along now, since that�s in a land far, far away...

If you don�t tell me that you love me within the first six months, I�m gonna dump you. And, yes, you have to say it first. If you think that you could hold out and wait for me to say it first, think again. I don�t need the above-mentioned typical tokens of love, but I do need you to say it, mean it, and not let me doubt it for a second. I�ve held out before, and I�ll be good god dammed if I�m gonna let anyone get away with that bullshit again.

Speaking of getting away with things, don�t let me get away with murder. You can be the boss of things, but you have to let me think that I�m equally the boss. It�s not to say that I won�t compromise on most points, but I�m not looking for a constant battle -- or a complete pushover. I want you to be your own person, do your own things, and make it clear when you want me there.

If there�s something wrong, let me know. I�m not a mind reader. If you are upset about something and let it blow over, I�m going to do the same. I�ve had friends blow up at me weeks later because they let something fester, and that�s just not my style. Things roll off me, and I move along. I choose my battles, and you getting grumpy because I�m out of Cocoa Puffs isn�t going to be where I choose to put my foot down.

What I need: Don�t watch so much damn TV. Have friends, and go out with them. (With or without me, please.) Don�t be a slave to work or your hobbies. Call your mother. Be spontaneous. Encourage me to run and lift weights and be healthy, but don�t tell me what I should do. Realize that I�m going to occasionally complain about stuff, but don�t try to solve all my problems; I could just be blowing off steam, and you�re the person I�ve chosen to safely blow toward. And for God sakes, please don�t let me buy anymore damn lotion, lip gloss, or bars of soap.

The bad about me: I talk on the phone a lot. I read half a book a day. I watch a whole lot of Law and Order (dum dum!) if given the chance to sit on the couch uninterrupted. I keep a neurotically clean kitchen sink. I won�t cook for you unless I�m in love with you. I get the winter blues, so don�t think it�s a reflection of you. I hold grudges. I watch infomercials, even if it is for a colon cleanser. I say the word Like a lot. I tell fart and poop jokes, and I talk about my boobs. When I�m on birth control, sometimes it makes me crazy. (I promise that it�s the birth control, not me, when I cry for no reason.) I laugh loudly when I�m drunk, and I forget when I�ve already told stories. I change my mind a lot, and sometimes it�s hard to follow my line of reasoning. Just trust that I have those reasons. My brother is my numero uno, and my dad is a close tie. So is my cat.

The good: I really can talk to anyone, and I won�t embarrass you in social situations. I always have something new going on since my interests are endless. If I can�t fix something, I know someone who knows how to fix it. I give great back and foot rubs. I prance around in a bikini comfortably. Along those lines, you won�t have to worry about me one day letting it all go. I tell great stories. I make fantastic birthday cakes. I have amazing friends who will love the pieces out of you for merely being someone who makes me happy. I�m not currently thinking about having children, so I�m not just after your sperm. Or your house. (Got my own!) Or your bankroll. (Ditto!)

Above all, if all goes well, I�ll eventually love you like mad. And no one outside of you will change that about me once that happens.

Now, you adorable fool, you know all that there is to know. Best of luck.
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