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T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o

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Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

2006-11-14† Ė† 9:10 a.m.
There are a few things you need to know before you really get into this, so Iím just gonna put it all out there...

Iím not all touchy-feely. This doesnít mean that I wonít give you a good groping, silly. This means that Iím not gonna be all gushy with you. If you want poetry, love letters, and for your girl to call you Schmoopy, youíre looking in the wrong place.

Appreciate that youíve got me -- someone who wonít want your every evening, wonít randomly sigh and ask what youíre thinking during a silent moment, and wonít demand that we watch Youíve Got Mail instead of football.

If you give me flowers outside of Valentineís Day or think that Iíd like a giant teddy bear and a box of chocolates, think again. These will get you a punch in the belly because you obviously donít know me. Itís not to say that Iím going to up and sprout a penis, but Iíd rather something well thought out rather than the traditional notions of romance.

One exception: I like sparkly things. Especially ones in size 4.75 and in white gold. However, youíd better be damn certain that Iím not going to go silent and ashen-faced if there is ever a day that you give me something that shines. Moving along now, since thatís in a land far, far away...

If you donít tell me that you love me within the first six months, Iím gonna dump you. And, yes, you have to say it first. If you think that you could hold out and wait for me to say it first, think again. I donít need the above-mentioned typical tokens of love, but I do need you to say it, mean it, and not let me doubt it for a second. Iíve held out before, and Iíll be good god dammed if Iím gonna let anyone get away with that bullshit again.

Speaking of getting away with things, donít let me get away with murder. You can be the boss of things, but you have to let me think that Iím equally the boss. Itís not to say that I wonít compromise on most points, but Iím not looking for a constant battle -- or a complete pushover. I want you to be your own person, do your own things, and make it clear when you want me there.

If thereís something wrong, let me know. Iím not a mind reader. If you are upset about something and let it blow over, Iím going to do the same. Iíve had friends blow up at me weeks later because they let something fester, and thatís just not my style. Things roll off me, and I move along. I choose my battles, and you getting grumpy because Iím out of Cocoa Puffs isnít going to be where I choose to put my foot down.

What I need: Donít watch so much damn TV. Have friends, and go out with them. (With or without me, please.) Donít be a slave to work or your hobbies. Call your mother. Be spontaneous. Encourage me to run and lift weights and be healthy, but donít tell me what I should do. Realize that Iím going to occasionally complain about stuff, but donít try to solve all my problems; I could just be blowing off steam, and youíre the person Iíve chosen to safely blow toward. And for God sakes, please donít let me buy anymore damn lotion, lip gloss, or bars of soap.

The bad about me: I talk on the phone a lot. I read half a book a day. I watch a whole lot of Law and Order (dum dum!) if given the chance to sit on the couch uninterrupted. I keep a neurotically clean kitchen sink. I wonít cook for you unless Iím in love with you. I get the winter blues, so donít think itís a reflection of you. I hold grudges. I watch infomercials, even if it is for a colon cleanser. I say the word Like a lot. I tell fart and poop jokes, and I talk about my boobs. When Iím on birth control, sometimes it makes me crazy. (I promise that itís the birth control, not me, when I cry for no reason.) I laugh loudly when Iím drunk, and I forget when Iíve already told stories. I change my mind a lot, and sometimes itís hard to follow my line of reasoning. Just trust that I have those reasons. My brother is my numero uno, and my dad is a close tie. So is my cat.

The good: I really can talk to anyone, and I wonít embarrass you in social situations. I always have something new going on since my interests are endless. If I canít fix something, I know someone who knows how to fix it. I give great back and foot rubs. I prance around in a bikini comfortably. Along those lines, you wonít have to worry about me one day letting it all go. I tell great stories. I make fantastic birthday cakes. I have amazing friends who will love the pieces out of you for merely being someone who makes me happy. Iím not currently thinking about having children, so Iím not just after your sperm. Or your house. (Got my own!) Or your bankroll. (Ditto!)

Above all, if all goes well, Iíll eventually love you like mad. And no one outside of you will change that about me once that happens.

Now, you adorable fool, you know all that there is to know. Best of luck.



Miss something?

Moving Day - 2008-02-15
Working from Home is Glorious - 2008-02-13
Speaking in Tongues - 2008-02-07
I Have My Reasons - 2008-01-25
Got an Itch, Fix it, Shine it Up, Sing it Out - 2008-01-23

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