T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o

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Thoughts and Feelings Dichotomy

2006-01-17† Ė† 3:06 p.m.
Iíve gotten some recent emails asking about my current state of mind. You readers arenít getting anything besides the surface level of whatís going on with me: this is what Iím doing, where Iím going, and who I go with.

Thatís that.

In all actuality, Iím pretty fucking miserable for a whole host of Benito-related reasons. If you want to read something sub-surface, go to the archives and read a few passages from this past June.

Then multiply it by 5.

Right now Iím struggling with the thinking and feeling parts of my brain. Iím the first to admit that I keep a strict dichotomy between the two as a defense mechanism. In the words of Rob in High Fidelity:

Well, I've been listening to my guts since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

I have this notion that if you think with your head, you protect your heart. For the most part, Iím right. You protect yourself when you think rationally. Thereís no clouding a decision because of hopes, fears, or insecurities. On a comical note, itís all so very Heís Just Not that Into You.

But on the other hand, Iím completely wrong. My head-head-head efforts are getting their asses kicked by a single heartstring pluck -- not even a full-fledged tug.

Iím to the point where Iím wavering between thinking Iím absolutely delusional and knowing that Iím right about what Iím both thinking and feeling.

Iím onto a line of thought that Iím finding pretty interesting. Itís all about emotional responsibility. With emotional responsibility there is a From and a To section. And when those arenít balanced, any awkwardness can be interpreted as insecurity, dependency, need, etc. -- traits that are generally very unattractive.

Whereas I donít think itís wrong to need someone, per se, itís certainly a hard thing to admit when youíre a stubborn mule.

I spent two weeks in Dallas sitting on my best friend Astralís couch, crying and puking as she took care of me. I had scented bath confetti at my disposal, small bowls of food for when I tried to eat, the blender on the counter to easily make the SlimFast smoothies that actually stayed down, small trips out of the house to distract me, and the freedom to do whatever, whenever and not have to be held accountable or judged for any of it.

I initially resented being taken care of, thinking that thereís no way someone as strong as I am should be acting the way I was. But now I recognize it as my feeling part of the brain being given the luxury of pouring in a safe environment.

And a luxury it indeed was.

Under normal circumstances Iíd have to trudge out of my empty home to work, sit in a cubicle surrounded by people who donít know me, cry quietly so no one noticed, and then trudge home where Iím left to my own thoughts and surroundings.

Mass from two weeks ago was about recognizing small signs around me. And although none has pointed in a definite direction or asked me what Iíd like, Iíve at least acknowledged that theyíre there.

From a chance meeting with a friend-of-a-friendís wife. To a secret being told and understood as I thought no one could. To a confidential conversation with someone the other day. To a search that resulted in interesting returns. To a guy asking me on a date and me accepting reluctantly, only to have to cancel for completely unrelated and unpreventable reasons. To last weekís mass where the theme was ďSo here I am...Ē

So, really. Here I am. Speak to me. †

Miss something?

Moving Day - 2008-02-15
Working from Home is Glorious - 2008-02-13
Speaking in Tongues - 2008-02-07
I Have My Reasons - 2008-01-25
Got an Itch, Fix it, Shine it Up, Sing it Out - 2008-01-23

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