Although I love that you tell me what I�m missing by sitting in a desk all day long, I really wish you�d quit blinking every ten minutes to update me on what you just told me.

It�s nice to know that there�s a flood watch until 3:00, but I don�t need the flashing and chirping warning when it�s now expected to last until 3:10, 3:20, etc. Frankly, I just want to know the temperature outside and whether or not I need an umbrella.

Thank you,
Jo

Dear Person Who Invited Me to See the New Michael Moore Movie,

I would rather poke myself with a large, sharp stick than sit through this film.

Really. No interest in seeing it whatsoever. Once you become a zealot, you lose all credibility.

Would you let Ned Flanders explain Jesus to you when he�s no-way, no-how, not willing to consider any viewpoint outside of his own?

NO.

So why would I listen to a screaming fuck-nut who merely wants to boost his career by contributing to ruining another�s?

There are other ways to get your point across. This movie would be a fine medium if he hadn�t already made me dismiss the possibility that it�s even mostly true.

I just can�t trust his info since he�s proven that he�ll do any and everything to prove his point.

Beware of the zealot,
Jo

Dear Libertarian Party,

Please take note of the above comments. It�s nice that you want to make this place better, but focusing on legalizing drugs to the point that it�s all you talk about isn�t gonna fly.

Best of luck to you,
Jo

Dear Potential Superstar or Recruiter of Superstars,

I�m looking for rappers/hip-hop people out there who are looking to be noticed. Give me an email, and I�ll detail a very cool, high-profile project.

Word to yo� mothas,
Jo

Dear Shopping Gods,

Thank you for being with me each time I�ve gone out and in search of something. The couch is great, and I love my new coffee table and coasters!

Now, can we get to cracking on the bedroom furniture? I�d really rather not wait until August to get that done.

Thanks,
Jo

Dear Bubblicious,

How is it possible to chip a tooth while chewing your ultra-soft gum?

I don�t know either, but I did it this weekend. I truly must be a retard to the highest degree.

It�s not like it�s bad enough to sue anyway,
Jo

Dear Wal-Mart,

Can we do something about this drop in your stock price? Hambone wants a new diamond-studded collar.

Respectfully hopeful,
Jo

Dear Powder Blue Volkswagen Beetle with the Black Convertible Top,

I think I love you.

Smooches,
Jo

Dear Girls with Large Breasts,

Wear a push-up bra to put �em right under your chin. It�s certain to make people say �Day-um!� and look a lot better than the droopage from the cotton underwires you currently wear.

Be fabulous!

Love and nuzzles,
Jo

Dear Person Who Keeps Moving my Desk Gnome,

Knock it off.

Really.

I�ll break your legs if I ever find you,
Jo

Dear Tampa Bay Devil Rays,

Please be nice to my little brother on Wednesday when you take a looksie at him. He�s a wonderful and fantastic and great kid, even though he�s only 16. He�ll knock your socks off, so be prepared to write down the name Kyle Keena for your future records.

Thank you for your cooperation, and I�m sorry that I�m a Rangers fan,
Jo

Dear Best Buy,

Thank you for having photo paper and t-shirt transfer paper on sale. This is going to be way too much fun!

Yay,
Jo

Dear Benito,

Expect to see a �the boss of you� t-shirt soon.

You know it�s true,
Jo �