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T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o

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Searching for Perfect Pants: A Mere Four Months Later

2003-11-14� � 2:47 p.m.
I wore underwear to work yesterday. Yes, it�s true. But I had a very good reason for doing so: The Perfect Pants are no longer adequate, and I needed to try some new ones on. Much like you don�t break the commando rule and re-wear anything that touched Australia (the land down under -- get it? har, har), you don�t want your funk on anything you don�t own either.

However, the point of this entry isn�t that I wore undies. I�m here to explain the demise of the Perfect Pants.

First off, Old Navy is known for cute, cheap clothes. Note that quality isn�t something on that short list. There�s a reason why their pants start at $30 and work their way down the clearance aisles to $12.99 and GAP starts at $55 and runs down to Old Navy�s starting point: They�re just made crapily in comparison.

The PP�s pockets are constantly flipped up, despite the amount of ironing and starching I do to combat its defiance.

Their thin material leaves them in a constant state of wrinkled-ness, making me appear unkempt and sloppy -- two qualities that do not embody the greatness that is ChicagoJo in the workplace.

Their light color may look great with most of my shirts, but it�s proving to be a pain in the neck to keep them stain-free. I have specks of mud all along the back from the last time it rained here, and some tomato sauce remnants remain from my spaghetti-eating binge two weeks ago. (Spaghetti for breakfast? Pass the lycopene, please.)

Then, to top things off, the zipper got a little kink in it and now permanently sticks out.

Argh.

During yesterday�s after-work hours I stopped at GAP and Express and anywhere else in short walking distance (hey -- it�s already cold again, and I don�t want to walk too far) and tried on every pair of low-rise, flat-front pants these retailers had to offer.

The legs were too big when I matched the pants� tushes to my luscious region.

The waists stuck out for inches -- completely unacceptable for my commando action.

They bunched up in the crotch. The fell incorrectly in length. They flared out too much. They snugged the bum too tightly.

Every pair was deemed inferior in some way, making them unacceptable for purchasing.

Don�t think that I�m not reading your mind and can�t hear you now. Why -- instead of spending upwards to $70 on pants -- don�t I just buy a few pair of the Perfect Pants and alternate them so they don�t get so crappy so suddenly?

Well, my friends, it seems that the children Old Navy exploits to make their clothing are a bit lacking in the quality assurance department. That one pair of pants I bought was conveniently a size hybid: not as small as the ones listed in its given size and not as large as the one size up. This goof created the perfect pair for me and my bod, and they�re completely unique.

I enjoy being so bootyliscious, but I�d really like some pants now. Looks like Michigan Avenue�s gonna get some action this weekend.

And, yes. I�ll be wearing underwear. �



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