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Damn Pantyhose Got Me All Confused

2003-09-11� � 10:37 a.m.
Who thought buying pantyhose was this difficult?

Previously I�d go into Frederick�s of Hollywood and pick up a couple pair of the small-sized thigh-highs in one of the two colors offered. They�re high-quality leg wear, I know that I like the way they fit, and they come at a reasonable price. (Unlike what those bitches at Victoria�s Secret charge for the same shit...)

The great thing about buying these thigh-highs is that everything is consistent, making them similar to big socks. (Yes, very unsexy -- I know. But they really are.) Unlike regular pantyhose where a small run ruins the entire pair, thigh-highs merely require exchanging a holey stocking for a new, un-holey one.

Since there aren�t malls in my area of Chicago and hosiery is a requirement at my job, the time came that I needed to restock. I found myself at Target, staring at all of my options.

When�s the last time you went to buy pantyhose? Do you realize all of the options out there?

First off, they don�t come in S, M, L, and XL -- They generally have different letters assigned to them, but not all brands are the same because some have numbers instead. I studied the back of each package, finding where I fit on each brands� size chart. Lucky for me, I wore the same letter on every brand. First obstacle hurdled.

Once you think you�re in the clear, they throw option after option after option at ya, reminding you of bad dodgeball nightmares from the third grade.

Control top or not?

Sandal toe or not?

Navy, black, white, or suntan?

Since I�m a size smaller than most, it�s not as easy as selecting my options and then seeking the pair that fulfills all requirements.

No, I couldn�t give two craps about how that toe is covered. There�s not much on my bones to control, so I don�t so much care. Why in the heck would I want navy or white stockings?

The decision to go with the regular pantyhose has apparently been made for me, as the singular box of thigh-highs has been shredded -- no doubt by someone�s demon-spawn child who has no idea how difficult this shopping expedition is.

I finally narrow down two boxes of regular colored hose in my size -- top and toe types be damned � and I have no idea which one to get. I go for the shiny box and head to the cashier.

The next morning I pulled out my new purchase and stretched the material onto my legs, only to look down and see brown legs. I know that I�m a porcelain princess, but I figured �suntan� color would look nicely toasted instead of slightly roasted.

So yesterday I wore brown pantyhose. Ick!

And wouldn�t ya know what was in the mail waiting for me that evening? A brand new Frederick�s of Hollywood catalogue. Bastards.


Google hits of the day:

coyote ugly bar franchise
hear him peeing
pink coveralls
dghomefry
frumpy clothes
first poop picture
everclear margarita



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