T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o


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Yoshimi Battles the Tampon Machine

2007-01-30    5:04 p.m.
I was recently reminded of the only time I’ve ever had to use the tampon dispenser in a public restroom. I was in DFW, where my pretty, pretty princess time always seemed to begin, about to sit through the first of those really long movies with the ring and the little guys with hairy feet. A tampon was desperately needed, and I had a quarter primed for my salvation.

I put the quarter in and gave the knob a turn, hearing all of its internal guts and gears turn as expected. However, when the turning stopped, no little wad of compacted cotton was spit out.

Now, I’m already wary of these machines. I half expect the pads to be a bandana and two safety pins, and I’m certain the tampon would be no better than sticking a cotton ball up my hoo-ha. However inferior the products may be, stealing my money during that time of need is Just. Not. Right.

Already all menstrual-y in the head, I lost my shit. I thought I was going to go all Hulk on the machine and use brut force to extract the nearly-useless cotton ball or bandana. While smacking on it and crying about how machines can steal my money all they want when I try to buy a late-afternoon Snickers bar that I know good and well will go straight to my ass and how this was Not Fair and clearly a case of The Universe vs. Jo, a lady walked in to witness my tantrum.

The door’s squeak didn’t give me enough warning so I could cool it, so I was forced to look like the blithering idiot that I am who beats on inanimate objects while angered. I wiped my nose with my hand, pointed to the machine, and half-heartedly attempted to explain my actions by saying, “Stole my money.”

Bless her heart, she had a Tampax super absorbance ‘pon in her purse. 

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