When the top impression is done and the gagging has subsided, you get your bottom impression done. After the nastiness that was the first plate, this one is no big deal. But now that it�s done you see how much dried impression goo is all over your mouth, the surrounding face parts, and stuck in your teeth.

That, my friends, is the first step to getting your teeth whitened, since they want to sell you tubes of whitening gel to use at home.

The following steps are equally as unpleasant. The first real step to whitening one�s teeth through this new Zoom! process is to insert a stretchy plastic piece and pulls your lips away from your mouth. Again, I�ve had this done in orthodontics. It�s unpleasant, but it�s not that big of a deal.

But once they stuff your mouth full of gauze, build a protective dam-like barrier over your exposed gums, slather your nose and lips with sunscreen, and throw a drop-cloth over the entire area, that�s when it�s a big deal. A big, ugly deal.

I had never met this dentist before, having won this Zoom! whitening in a raffle with the big gay chorus. All I really knew about him was that he�s a drag queen, so I was quite embarrassed to meet his fabulousness with my mouth pried open, drool everywhere (you�re instructed to �swallow normally� so you don�t disturb any of this stuff, but that�s bullshit), and sunscreen dabbed on my nose. He kept exclaiming that it was working so well, so I just went along with it and rationalized that there was no way I was the worst-looking patient he�d ever met.

Side note: Am I the only person who thinks that way when I�m around medical professionals? I�ve since stopped giving a shit -- especially at the gyno, knowing good and well that my razor burn is nothing compared to the elephantitis of the crotch she�s certainly seen before.

I walked out of there a couple hours later with teeth that glow in the dark and instructions not to eat anything besides white foods for the next 24 hours.

Rice. Pasta. Potatoes. Bread.

These are my favorite foods. They�re also absolutely nutrition-free, which kinda bums me out since I�m trying to get all healthy and stuff. Carbs with a side of carbs isn�t going to help rid me of my butt flab. Alas, it�s just 24 hours. And it doesn�t really break Lent since it�s under a doctor�s orders.

Yesterday I started my Lenten sacrifices by hauling my tush to the gym when I really didn�t feel like going. (It was too dark to run outside, despite the nice weather.) I said that all I had to do was go and do what I wanted. Nothing scheduled. Nothing expected. Just go.

The other night I went down the street to run an errand, and I wore new shoes. I purchased these specifically for times when I didn�t need to be hip: loafers, no heel, and with cushy insides. These aren�t even cute shoes, so I don�t know why they�re being so bitchy. They tore the crap out of my heels, thus making working out no fun for yesterday.

You try squatting with a heavily weighted barbell across your back while your shoes rubbed on open wounds. You�d cut your workout short too. Now add to it that my death rattle cough started up seven minutes into my treadmill attempt, and I was absolutely pitiful.

Sad but true.

With my workday over and it still being pretty light outside, I�m gonna hustle home to change, attempt a run outside, and then go lift arms weights since those are significantly less likely to make my feet bitch and moan. It can�t be as bad as yesterday, so that�s something to look forward to. And if anyone notices that I�m being wiener-y, I�ll just flash them a grin to blind them as I scamper off.

Hope your dogs aren�t barkin�. G�nite. �