T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o

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A Penny for Your Thoughts, $150 for My Backpack

2006-08-02† Ė† 2:10 p.m.
I was going to write about how amazed I was that $150 in items from Target fit neatly in my backpack and one plastic bag. After spending 150 clams, I was hoping there would be so much stuff that I needed an elephant to help me carry it home.

Alas, I received a comment asking me to please not date cops, as they are all power-hungry jerks who enter their professions to place themselves above the law. This comment prompted me to think about sweeping generalizations about peopleís professions and what conclusions I could draw about those folks.

Five People I Would Never Date if I Took into Account Their Professions

The President of the United States.

Anyone who thinks he or she can be the leader of the free world has got to have quite the ego.

Manage a gazillion dollar budget? Build safe roads safer? Regulate every single industry? Help the needy? Set policies on everything under the sun?

Not only are you responsible for all of that in our country, you have a big hand in how many other countries also run their business too.

With that sort of responsibility, you canít tell me that any sane person would ever want to take that on.

(2) Any politician, for that matter.

This is similar to the president but scaled down with a bit of a superiority complex to it since control of local municipalities make the figure rather well known yet in an actually-known kinda way.

Fake do-gooders with fake tans, fake marriages, and fake ideals that he or she knows whatís best for his or her people.

Correction: The people he or she represents.

See? Thatís my problem.

Okay. After all that about politicians, just lump company executives in there for the same reasons, and then move along to...

(3) Assistants to company executives.

I generally think of the overweight 40-something woman with a bun and a bad suit who gets pleasure out of mommy-ing a companyís highest higher-ups, but I know that men get this position too. Instead of mommy-ing, I could see the guys get this kick out of being the puppeteer behind the big guy.

When your big boss canít figure out the Outlook calendar, thatís a free license to do whatever you want because the big-shot truly depends on you. Itís also manipulative to feed into that dependence as a means to job security.

(4) Fashion designers.

Oh the power these people have! Remember two years ago when everyone wore a fake flower on their shirts and jackets? Whose sick, twisted joke was that?!

Letís pin on this stupid adornment, call it fashion, and see how many women we can get to wear this crap!

Too much power for such an everyday nothing. I donít like it.

(5) Doctors.

Can you say God Complex?

You canít really tell me that people spend a hundred thousand dollars and years and years on school, only because they want to help people.

Bah humbug!

They do it for bragging rights.

I save lives.

And in turn, people treat them like their butts donít smell.

Perhaps Iíve just seen lots of self-serving, arrogant pricks who think that I should worship them because they sat through the classes, paid their dues, and spend their days treating colds and sprained ankles.

Runners Up

Actors. These people pretend to be other people for a living. How nutso is that?

Research scientists. Really, how can I compare with curing cancer?

Teachers. Are you really the person to create tomorrowís future?

Lawyers. Duh.

So why would a woman want to hang out with a cop?

Maybe itís because stories of getting bitten by a crackhead, chasing folks up the stairs in the projects, and how every drug dealer makes the same exclamation when he knows heís busted are a lot more interesting than talking about cube farms, how much Windows XP stinks, and Internet radio stations.

Cops are also pretty handy. So long as they arenít the old, out-of-shape ones, they can run fast, street fight, shoot a gun, and ride motorcycles. And they know everyone and everything going on.

And when youíre not looking for anything more than a few beers, a pretty face, and someone to entertain you as much as you entertain them, Iíll gladly hear about getting bitten by a crackhead any day.†

Miss something?

Moving Day - 2008-02-15
Working from Home is Glorious - 2008-02-13
Speaking in Tongues - 2008-02-07
I Have My Reasons - 2008-01-25
Got an Itch, Fix it, Shine it Up, Sing it Out - 2008-01-23

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