I�ll tell you one thing, if The Soap is the answer to all things facial, Mario Badesco is gonna be pissed. Between the Enzyme Cleansing Gel, the Aloe Lotion, the Strawberry Tonic Mask, and the Drying Cream, I�m already spending $55 if I buy the small bottles of stuff. Now let�s also add in the $12 tub of Vitamin E moisturizer from The Body Shop and the $4 tub of St. Ives apricot scrub (which is seriously a beauty best-buy and available at fine establishments such as your local Walgreen�s), and we�re looking at a $71 to clean my face!

And if I go with the cheaper versions of everything and stick with trusty ol� Clinique with their stupid slidy soap tray that I can never get back together, the decent toner, and the inferior and oh-so-generic Dramatically Different Moisturizer, I�m still looking at a $41.50 face after tossing in my el cheapo scrub.

$8 shampoo. $5 shampoo for when I�m feeling pretty. $8 conditioner. $9 bath gelle. $8 scrubby puffy thing for the bath gelle. $26 body moisturizing exfoliating salts. $9 lotion. $6 foot-specific lotion. $48 Estee Lauder Pleasures. And I�m finally smelling good.

$17 powder. Two different $8 eye shadows. $12 lip liner. $4 lip gloss. $8 eyeliner. $12 mascara. And I�m finally looking good.

Blow dry my hair with the special diffuser attachment, add a spackle of $18 hair shiner. Use the $14 brush with some $16 pomade to style the mane. Now I�m finally ready to leave the house.

Oh wait. I�m naked.

Both the clothes and the shoes cost more -- don't ask me how! You�d think with a closet full of winter-only clothes and three boxes of summer clothes in storage, retailers would make our clothes less costly so we could buy more in our crazed consumption.

Instead, they make them of worse quality and make a big deal about what�s in each season. Did you know that pink and black are in this season??? From what I�ve noticed, they�ve always matched nicely. Why are they suddenly in?

Panties are 3 for $20, and bras are $28 each -- yet I can�t wash either of them in the washing machine for fear of shredding my apparently-lined-with-gold-if-they-cost-that-much undies to ruins.

Let�s not get too personal here, but I�ve paid to have hair ripped from more places that haven�t seen the light of a fluorescent bulb, nonetheless the light of day. I pluck stray hairs from my eye brows to even them out, use these teeny-tiny scissors to trim them down, and occasionally have hot wax drizzled on my face and then ripped off with what was originally a howl but is now more of a clenched-teeth routine.

I�ve managed to avoid the $125 salon visit (and this is a friend price, mind you!) each six weeks for a trim, color, and high lights. In what realm of reality is $35 an acceptable amount to pay for a haircut?

All of this cash on health and beauty items, and most actual health issues haven�t even been tested or figured out on women. Anti-miscarriage meds given in the 60s caused horrible birth defects, yet we were given them anyway. Birth control pills from as little as 15 years ago had horrendous effects, yet the men�s birth control pill has undergone testing for decades without release. Little data exists on how everyday medicines differ in the female body, yet we have smaller bottles of deodorant that cost 75-cent more that claim to know about our pH balances to prevent a bit of wetness on my shirt.

And don�t get me started on vaginal exams. Just saying �vaginal� makes me shudder.

(If you have any amount of testosterone in your voice and do so much as come back with anything along the lines of, �Well, dude... Prostate exams suck,� I will write you a personal email with very vivid details on what goes on each year when a woman has to wear one of those stupid paper dresses and put her legs in the stirrups. I know sciencey things, and you�re certain to get the full and factual fine points of what this entails.)

Knowing the calorie content of damn near everything in our cabinet. Getting cat-calls when we jog to remain a size four. Owning books like The Rules. Constantly hearing, �She must be PMSing,� when you act out in a fully justified manner.

Being a woman is hard work.

Now where�s my damn $3 soap sliver? �