But despite this proclamation, I look like I�ve gotten into a throw-down. With bruises galore, I�m going to have to insist to coworkers that I ran into a door or fell out of bed. It might sound like I�m covering for an Ike Turner-esque man outside my 9-to-5 working hours, but them having those thoughts beats them knowing the truth.

Being exceptionally porcelain doesn�t do much for me either. Not only can you see my leg hairs before they even pop out of the skin (sexy, I tell ya), but the bruise on my lower shin is screaming for attention. If it could talk, it would say, �He pushed me down the stairs, y�all!�

Side note: Yes, I imagine that my body parts talk with a southern accent. They�d also be the sorts of assholes who draw humor from faux instances of wife beating.

So what really happened?

Although I have broken up a liquor store robbery (and probably have a blog entry somewhere to prove it), I take it that you aren�t going to buy it that I am a crime-fighting superhero who rescued some kittens from a really mean man with a Tom Selleck mustache.

Truth time: All of my instances of controlled internal bleeding were inflicted by participating in recreational league sports events.

Monday night�s kickball game went really well. We beat the snot out of the other team, hopefully resulting in a rally that pulls us through the playoffs that begin in two weeks. I didn�t get any exceptionally good plays, but I kicked a lot of people in. The ump was crap, but you have to overlook the bad calls when you�re up by a hefty double-digit lead and there�s only an inning left. That withstanding, my lower shin is tinted purple and slightly swollen from a few bad kicks.

Last night�s volleyball game was better from a competitive standpoint. Not only did I get several really solid spikes (I�m 5�2� when I stand up really, really straight, so this is awesome), my serve was totally on. Like a rocket over the net, it, um, shot like a rocket over the net. Unstoppable! Now add to it that I got in a quick three-mile run in to get to the v-ball gym, and I felt great. Unfortunately, today I�m speckled with red bruises where the ball was less than gentle. At least my pointer finger has again straightened itself out after this especially bad set I made.

So let that be a warning to you all. Recreational leagues aren�t always fun and games, and you might just have to lie about it. �