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T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o |
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Let It Be Told |
2005-06-16� �� 11:21 a.m. |
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I don�t consider this site an emotional outlet. I have girl friends for that. I merely blab here with my inane daily events, leave a little commentary, and continue with my usual life. I live outside the computer screen, as you all know.
Occasionally you�ve gotten a bit of past Benito gushing, as he is someone I care for very much -- much more than others in the past. And after a year and a half, it�s natural that I�d want to exclaim from the rooftop that I am in love with a wonderful man. This isn�t the place for any outpouring of what�s been going on with me for the past two and a half weeks, but do know that I�m fine. I�m resilient. It�s one of the features that I love about me. I�m moving forward, namely because it�s the only direction that makes sense. But don�t think that I�m also ignoring the significance of what happened and how if affects me daily. There are moments where I want so badly to include him.
I saw the largest dandelion ever while running. It was the size of my brain. I would have picked it and surprised him with a hit to the head with it, scattering its seeds. Then he would have chased me along the lakefront path as I screeched with girly laughter and jumped over bushes to avoid a playful tackle. Then there are those melancholy moments where an uncontrollable sadness takes over. I get the elevator stomach, my head gets dizzy, and I have to catch my breath. It usually passes in a few minutes, but I either have to force it away or deal with it. $2 says that you can guess which I choose. I�ve had ongoing internal conversation and negotiation, and so much is clearer. On the topic of wants and needs, I have a firm stand. On the topic of fear, I have at least some understanding. I�m working toward reaching acceptance and balance, knowing that this is as much of actually dealing with the situation as I�m going to get.
Fear. Misconstrued indifference. Then it cycled on and on. In a relationship where so little was said, I suddenly have so much to say. Yet, there�s no ear to listen. I can�t be the one to extend the first word, no matter how much I want to. I did what fighting-for I could do when confronted by his unexpected proclamation. It was ultimately his decision, and I have to respect that. There are three qualities that I feel make up love: admiration, consideration, and respect. I�ve always tried to extend these to him, and I�m not about to change my stance just because we aren�t talking. �
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Moving Day - 2008-02-15
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