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T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o

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Let It Be Told

2005-06-16� � 11:21 a.m.
I don�t consider this site an emotional outlet. I have girl friends for that. I merely blab here with my inane daily events, leave a little commentary, and continue with my usual life. I live outside the computer screen, as you all know.

Occasionally you�ve gotten a bit of past Benito gushing, as he is someone I care for very much -- much more than others in the past. And after a year and a half, it�s natural that I�d want to exclaim from the rooftop that I am in love with a wonderful man.

This isn�t the place for any outpouring of what�s been going on with me for the past two and a half weeks, but do know that I�m fine.

I�m resilient. It�s one of the features that I love about me. I�m moving forward, namely because it�s the only direction that makes sense.

But don�t think that I�m also ignoring the significance of what happened and how if affects me daily. There are moments where I want so badly to include him.

I saw the largest dandelion ever while running. It was the size of my brain. I would have picked it and surprised him with a hit to the head with it, scattering its seeds. Then he would have chased me along the lakefront path as I screeched with girly laughter and jumped over bushes to avoid a playful tackle.

There�s a girl with a boy�s name in my real estate class. She wears more rings than a gypsy. That imagery would have made him laugh.

I finally got barstools for the kitchen island. He would have given me an atta-girl for finally making up my friggin� mind on what I wanted, one year after moving into my house, after multiple unfruitful trips to Bed Bath and Beyond, Ikea, and various small furniture stores.

Then there are those melancholy moments where an uncontrollable sadness takes over. I get the elevator stomach, my head gets dizzy, and I have to catch my breath. It usually passes in a few minutes, but I either have to force it away or deal with it. $2 says that you can guess which I choose.

I�ve had ongoing internal conversation and negotiation, and so much is clearer. On the topic of wants and needs, I have a firm stand. On the topic of fear, I have at least some understanding. I�m working toward reaching acceptance and balance, knowing that this is as much of actually dealing with the situation as I�m going to get.

Fear. Misconstrued indifference. Then it cycled on and on.

In a relationship where so little was said, I suddenly have so much to say. Yet, there�s no ear to listen.

I can�t be the one to extend the first word, no matter how much I want to. I did what fighting-for I could do when confronted by his unexpected proclamation. It was ultimately his decision, and I have to respect that.

There are three qualities that I feel make up love: admiration, consideration, and respect. I�ve always tried to extend these to him, and I�m not about to change my stance just because we aren�t talking. �



Miss something?

Moving Day - 2008-02-15
Working from Home is Glorious - 2008-02-13
Speaking in Tongues - 2008-02-07
I Have My Reasons - 2008-01-25
Got an Itch, Fix it, Shine it Up, Sing it Out - 2008-01-23

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