And if you think you�re in for bitchin� as in �Bill Cosby�s sweaters are awfully bitchin�,� you have another thought coming. Although a Jello puddin� pop sure would be bitchin� right now, I�m gonna complain a bit.

Bad news: The elevators in my building are lousy.

Not only do they not fit a reasonable couch inside them, they seem to hardy ever both be working at the same time. And when the �freight elevator� (don�t you confuse that with anything other than one of the regular elevators just opening from the backside...) is in use by people moving in or out, that leaves only one elevator for all of the inhabitants of the 18 floors.

Now, what happens when the non-freight elevator is broken and someone is moving in? Joanna has to walk the 13 flights of stairs, hoping that she�s not just getting back from the grocery store or rollerblading ten miles.

Good news: The management finally gets the elevators renovated, up, and working.

There are some pretty green insides now, the lights are brighter, and the elevators (most importantly) are always working. Because of the inconvenience, the management slipped all of the residents of the 180 units a $10 gift certificate to the trendy pizza place across the way. Niiiice.

So today I�m on the phone with a friend and I go to rinse my lunch plate. My water is out. I check with the neighbor, and his water is out too.

There�s this phenomenon that Matt once told me about where nobody takes action when something happens, assuming that someone else has already done so. I rode the shiny elevator down to ensure that something was being done and that there was a plan of action.

G-dammit! Wouldn�t ya know that the office is dark and has a cheery sign saying that they�ll be open tomorrow at 10 a.m.

And where is this �We�ll be back� sign posted??? Right next to the bigger sign saying that they�re open Monday-Sunday, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.!

So I call the office phone number and get the number to the main management office. I call and listen to my options:

Press 1 to speak with a leasing agent.

Press 2 to file a maintenance report.

I�m ready to press 2 when I hear the next option:

Press three to speak with a real g-damn manager because yours is too lazy to stay until the posted hours, leaving you with no one to fix the lack-of-water issue, dirty-dirty-dirty, and smelly-smelly-smelly.

I selected the third option and filed my two complaints.

I have a feeling that I�m going to start associating free Eduardo�s pizza with major inconveniences.

With my unwashed hair (it is gross, considering that I stayed out all night last night and hadn�t yet showered when the water went out), Herbie and I decided on some swanky restaurant for dinner after bathing in cologne. When the elevators opened, there was a sign posted. I had him hold the elevator while I took a picture with it.

I don�t even know what bling-bling means, but it sure did make me laugh.

The other elevator had some similar complaint about how we have to pay our rent on time, but that they don�t have to fix anything in a timely manner. I wasn�t going to haul out the digicam again, but it was also funny.

Herbie had the idea to start a community message board, taping up construction paper and leaving a marker for all to voice their displeasure.

Being proactive makes me hungry. I�d go out for some sugarfree Jello, but I�m afraid that the elevators would break down. �