T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o


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Fucked Up, Feigning Interest, Fleischer Lovin' and Feder-whatever

2006-11-16    3:59 p.m.
You know that sinking feeling when you realize that you fucked something up? That happened at work today. On the upside, since it so rarely happens (there was a time once in 2004 where I broke something badly), nobody bitched to me about it. I had things fixed and verified within the hour. THE PEOPLE DO NOT DO WITHOUT THEIR METHODOLOGIES.

Okay, I have to laugh. The other day my boss was flipping out about something, and I reminded him that nobody dies if they don’t get their process documentation. We’re not doctors who cure illnesses that kill people. We’re not lawyers who keep innocent people out of jail. We’re not politicians who determine the laws that protect and govern the people. We write the web pages that tell other people how to do their jobs. More specifically: Lately we merely *update* the web pages that tell other people how to do their jobs. I’m very clearly not sweating it.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a job where I actually had to give a crap. Giving a crap about things really isn’t in my nature, so I’ll happily bumble along in my little la la land until I’m otherwise directed or inclined to do so.

One friend does something non-profit-y where she has to organize an event that makes a bunch of money for an organization that helps people sick from something. She has to care about what it is that the organization does in order to maximize the fundraising and community involvement, or else she’s not doing her job.

I don’t know how I’ve ever decide which organization to work for. Who am I to say that heart disease is worse than AIDs or worse than spinal bifida or worse than illiteracy or worse than scurvy? I write checks to a few organizations since I can very clearly say that funding cancer research, helping homeless people who help themselves, and supporting the organizations that my friends work for or run races for are all good things to support.

I guess one thing I can totally get behind is stem cell research. From a completely scientific standpoint, there is just an amazing amount of potential in this use of technology that it’s difficult to even consider the moral/ethical standpoint. If it would make people stop talking about taking baby lives, I’ll gladly donate my eggs to combine with some sperm to make the prettiest damn stem cells you’ve ever seen so they could work with privatized funding to cure all sorts of bad things. The Supreme Court says that I can do what I want with my reproductive system, so it likely carries over into that arena too. I seemingly have two badass ovaries that are rearin’ to go with that baby makin’ crap. Best to let super-duper scientists create something rather than me have more clothes to wash, no sleep at night, and less disposable income going toward Franco Sarto shoes and purses.

Speaking of children, have I ever mentioned how much John Roberts reminds of a little boy? He’s always got that little I’m-so-cute-so-you-have-to-like-me grin on his face. But, Ari Fleischer... Now that’s a man.

Ari is definitely top dog on my crush list these days. Back in the days after 9/11 I was volunteering at Austin’s American Red Cross office, bossing around 2000 volunteers who were hoping to do good things in the name of helping the country. After getting the volunteers busy stuffing envelopes, disinfecting CPR dummies, or shredding documents for Enron, my one friend and I would go into the break room, watch the daily press meetings, and swoon over Mr. Fleischer. When he’d smile, look down at the reporter, and say, “You know I can’t answer that,” we’d have to fan ourselves with a nearby paper plate.

Hmm, who else do I have a crush on?

I’ve always had a crush on Conan O’Brien. There’s no secret or surprise there. Anyone who makes me laugh gets automatic hotness points, and Conan busts my guts even when he’s got boring guests on the show. Additionally, I love the freakishly tall. If you’re over 6’6”, I’m gonna give you the eye. Beware!

The typical pretty people are up there too: Justin Timberlake (no talking allowed!), George Clooney, Matt Damon, Will Smith, blah blah blah. And Eliza Dushku, Tatyana Ali, Julia Stiles, Kristin Davis, and either Gilmore Girl round out the list if I were to ever switch sides. (How’s that for a mental picture?)

Surprisingly, I wouldn’t do Britney Spears. I bet she’s got bumps on her crotch after two years with Federslime.

Speaking of them, I’m tired of the buzz on the sex tape. He can’t release it for profit without her consent, she’s certainly got a crazy tight-lip section in the prenup when it comes to blabbing about personal matters, and if he did put it on YouTube or some nonsense like that, all she’d have to do if pout out her lip and play the victim card.

We’re not seeing TEAM SPEARS t-shirts. Why not? Because that’s way too obvious. It’s the same reason no one’s wearing t-shrits that say CANCER SUCKS, I LOVE MY KIDS, or WATER IS IMPORTANT. No one is rooting for K- Whatshisface in this divorce. We may have opinions of Team Anniston vs Team Jolie or Team Simpson vs Team Lachey, but we all outwardly hope that K-Douche goes far, far away after all is said and done.

Speaking of going far, far away, it’s time for me to get outta here and go to a work-sponsored happy hour. Have a great night, everyone.

Miss something?

Moving Day - 2008-02-15
Working from Home is Glorious - 2008-02-13
Speaking in Tongues - 2008-02-07
I Have My Reasons - 2008-01-25
Got an Itch, Fix it, Shine it Up, Sing it Out - 2008-01-23

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