Why must you call to me? With your sleek curves, you scream "style!" -- Something I have little of. But oh do I desire you.

Damn your $23k price tag. I'll take the el or the bus, repeating: "I do not need a car in Chicago... I do not need a car in Chicago... I do not need a car in Chicago..." until I actually believe it.

I would like the taunting to stop.

Dear Trident,

Thank you for making small pieces of gum. My mouth is too small for more than half a piece of the other guys.

Thanks for being sugarless too. I don't like the nasty sugar coating on the inside of my mouth from the other stuff.

Dear Lestat and Louis,

You are cute, cute, cute! I have last year�s Xmas picture on my fridge still. Maybe your momma will get a Xmas shot of Hambone if he sits still long enough for my camera to take a picture of him under the mistletoe or eating a poinsettia...

Dear Present-Buyers,

I would enjoy any of the following presents for my birthday (only two months away, so start planning!):

Burned mix CDs. Cool fingernail polish. Flavored tea in tea bags. Exotic spices. A used Little League shirt in a small enough size to wear as a cute shirt -- preferably for the Cubs or White Sox. An MP3 player. Anything off my Amazon.com wishlist. (Search for JoeyPea.) Another copy of the Amelie DVD because mine seems to have broken and it�s my favorite movie ever and I really should watch it weekly.

Please avoid scented lotions, sprays, and soaps. Do-dads and trinkets will be tossed as well.

Dear Nerd Glasses Trend-Starters,

Thank you for making so many boys look pretty. Unfortunately I must complain that it has clouded my ability to sift through those who are not desirable. They all look so damn pretty with their nerd-ness resting on their noses. Delicious!

Dear eBay,

Thank you for making it easy to shop for crap. I [heart] my Philips/Norelco Satin Ice Epilator. It really does pull out the little, tiny hairs -- meaning that I don�t have to wait until I look like a wooly mammoth before it starts to work.

Dear Philips/Norelco Satin Ice Epilator,

Thank for being fabulous! You are my favorite gadget! (Please don�t tell the blender... He makes my morning smoothies and my evening margaritas, therefore is vital to my waking hours.)

Also, please-oh-please go easy on my bikini line.

Dear Ex-boyfriends,

Why do you all call cyclically? It seems that I don�t hear from you for a few months, and then BAM! You all call within three days. Are my pheromones that strong that you can smell me from all of those miles away?

Dear You-Know-Who,

My nickname should be �No Show Jo�. I�m a craphead. I know.

Dear Old Navy,

Can we get the Fantastic Pants down to $18? Come on, come on, come on. Have them in my size, short length, and ready to go. You already have my credit card number. Let�s cooperate on this one, and we�ll both be happier when we get what we each want.

Dear Taco Bell,

Thank you for having vegan refried beans. I love that my cheese-less, onion-less bean burrito lunch is a no-brainer. As long as no one else offers something this tasty for $1, you�re certain to get my business day in, day out.

Dear Diaryland,

Thank you for the hours and hours of entertainment you have provided. Not only is reading other people�s diaries loads of fun, but I get to check my stats, make banners to promote the site, create diaryrings, and write surveys with my snazzy gold membership!

Yay for the gold membership upgrade! Everyone should have one!

All righty. Everyone have a fantastic weekend.

-- Chicago Jo �