T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o


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It's a Game of Numbers

2006-08-15    1:23 p.m.
This is a recent email exchange, including the original forward that got things started.

The original email:

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is. So they would know when they found one.

"An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Reply-to-all from a family friend:

I heard the other day on the radio about how our Security Forces in the airports are going through training and take great strides in not "profiling" young Arab descendants. About how if one blue eyed, blonde haired American male, an old woman of 75 and an Arab was in the security line, they were to pick either of the two besides the Arab. Now, I'm saying Arab here, meaning of that descent. We do not want to offend anyone. We do not want to break the law or racially profile anyone. I've thought about that.

I think that when every single person we've captured, caught, responsible for 9/11 is a young Arab descendant then we should definitely seize and search every one of them that passes through ANY kind of Security. That doesn't make you a victim of profiling, racialism or anything else. It makes you a victim of numbers.

My response, since I can’t help but draw a parallel to my own life:

Being a young, single woman with a bad string of dates lately where the past four men have actually had girlfriends or fiancés waiting for them at home while they were wining and dining me, I've been thinking about men lately.

The four that have led me on with hopes that they’d get a little action on the side are by no means statistically significant, or else I’d avoid Greeks, generic white guys, guys from the suburbs, red heads, vice presidents, day traders, IT folks, and regional sales managers.

So let’s look at some larger groups where I can get a sample of more than 30 men in any given group:

All of the priests who molested boys were men.

Dateline repeatedly shows their children predator specials where 100% of the online pervs seeking out horny 14-year-old girls are men.

All of these terrorists of large-scale attacks have been men.

I did a quick scan on the sex offenders in my hometown zip code, and all 22 are men.

I also remember reading a book about homicide, and men were statistically a lot more likely to off me, whether I knew him or not.

If it’s a numbers game, men are nothing but trouble. Based off of those five points alone, it’s clear that I should avoid them all :)  

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