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T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o

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A Whine on Last Night's Wine

2005-01-05� � 5:25 p.m.
When I buy spaghetti noodles, I buy the ones in the cold section of the grocery store. I call them my �snobby noodles� since it seems high brow to buy four servings of pasta for $2 instead of an entire month�s worth in the box of dry stuff. If you�re willing to splurge, I highly recommend them, as they take only a couple minutes to make and taste so much better than the dried ones.

So despite the sugarless Ragu being a bit off (I�ll take the extra 25 calories from now on), I had a decent dinner last night... Save the wine.

I opened the worst bottle of wine ever with dinner, officially making my brother the worst wine-picker-outer ever. Yeah, yeah. That�s what I get for relying on a 17-year-old. However, I�m convinced that it would have been fine had he followed my rules for picking out a bottle: The bottle must be under $7, and the label must be colorful or funny in some way.

After explaining the two simple rules to my brother, he chose a bottle for me. It was $4 (check), but it had a picture of an Italian villa on the front (no check).

He said it was irony. I said it was stupid. But since he was convinced that he had my rules down and could pick a bottle of wine, I paid the $4 and set it on my wine rack.

Last night I picked any ol� thing off the wine rack, coming up with his bottle. Getting the cork out just about broke me, something that hasn�t happened since I learned what kind of wine opener to buy and how to use it. That should have been my first clue.

It didn�t smell strongly of fermented grapes like most wines. It was more like grape Kool-Aid that had sat out too long and started to evaporate. Figuring this would be a mild down-the-hatch bottle, I poured a hearty glass and sat on the couch with Law and Order (dum-dum!) on.

One sip told me all I needed to know: this wasn�t going to happen. I gave it another try, figuring my mouth just needed a couple tastes to acclimate itself, but I was wrong. Down the drain the glass went.

I considered saving the bottle to let Benito have a try and a giggle at the worst wine ever, but I couldn�t get the cork back in.

It was so bad that the small piece of wood that keeps the bottle closed and the wine from running out refused to go back near the liquid.

Lesson learned: Follow the rules when buying wine, and don�t let my brother pulling words like �irony� out of his ass convince me that breaking the rules should be done.�



Miss something?

Moving Day - 2008-02-15
Working from Home is Glorious - 2008-02-13
Speaking in Tongues - 2008-02-07
I Have My Reasons - 2008-01-25
Got an Itch, Fix it, Shine it Up, Sing it Out - 2008-01-23

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