T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f C h i c a g o J o

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Freaky Deaky

2006-06-12† Ė† 5:20 p.m.
In a more extreme scenario, I met a guy a while back. I canít remember who all I told about this, as it was truly an off-the-wall request. After an evening of some pleasant conversation, he kissed me. No big deal. I was okay with this.

Then, instead of making a request to merely go home (to which Iíd have said no, of course), he asked if Iíd go home with him, strip down to my undies, prop up in a doggie style, and let him just look at me from behind.

Can you say Freak?!

The odd thing about this guy (besides his brazen request) is that heís a completely normal-looking man who you wouldnít expect to put it all out there immediately.

Chicago isnít all that big when you exclude all of the places young white folk wonít ever go. Point being: Iím likely to see you again, Iím going to recognize you, and donít think that Iím not going to point you out and tell everyone Iím with about you.

Feel free to let out your inner freak. Just please wait until weíve been dating a while.

So what is it about guys that lets them think that theyíll get away with this nonsense? Are there girls who actually say, ďHmm, yeah. Going home to let you spread and look at my butt crack sounds like a great plan,Ē and follow through?

If so, please forward this entry to her. Iíve got a bone to pick.

Dear Girl Friend,

Like the one woman who responded positively when construction workers wooed at her, youíre ruining it for the rest of us. Because that one bitch thought it was cute and funny to be told that she had an ass that doesnít stop, we all now have to hear it. Since you and your type condone and encourage such behavior, men will repeat it on the off chance that the line will work again.

Men talk. (Yes, they also lie... But they do talk.) And when you allow men do whatever they please, youíve set up unrealistic expectations that the rest of us have to hear about.

I donít want to hear about any stranger wanting to stick his finger up my ass and sniff it.

I donít want to hear about him wanting to lick my feet after a night out in open-toed sandals.

I donít want to hear about how he wants me to do him in the cab.

I donít want to hear any of this.

But because you let him get the stinky finger, get up and personal with you other phalanges, and get the cab driver angry that heíll need to Windex the guyís explosion of half-lives off the back seat doesnít mean that I will.

Now will you kindly quit giving men the idea that itís acceptable to make these requests before he even knows my last name? It would be very much appreciated.


Iím going to one day write a guide on how to not be a shitty woman. It only takes one to screw it up. Itís hard enough being a woman, and we certainly donít need one of our own to make it any harder.†

Miss something?

Moving Day - 2008-02-15
Working from Home is Glorious - 2008-02-13
Speaking in Tongues - 2008-02-07
I Have My Reasons - 2008-01-25
Got an Itch, Fix it, Shine it Up, Sing it Out - 2008-01-23

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